Middle Age is Being Mean to Me Again

My son stayed with me for a few days in December and I asked him to notice how hot it got upstairs at night. I mean, boiling hot. Not only did he not notice it he said that he got a little chilly. After several discussions, he asked me if this could be some symptom of menopause. I’m here to tell you that the shock of that never occurring to me in the first place was something, but to have it brought up by your fully-grown son, was quite another.

After some pains reminiscent of childbirth, I ordered a $28 Internal Cleanse program from Amazon. Two days after it arrived in the mail, I got the stomach flu. Now, I’m on the BRAT system. Bananas, rice, applesauce, toast. My stomach’s quieted down a lot, so we’re going to stick with this for a while. Start thinking like nursing home cafeteria menu makers.

I can’t keep enough lotion and hair conditioner in the house. I’m like the Sahara. There’s just never enough moisture.

Which brings me to peeing in cups. I recently had to do this and couldn’t perform. Come to my house in the middle of the night and we’ll have no issues, but during the day, that much productivity ain’t happenin’. Whose cruel joke was it to move the minimum requirement line anyway?

Speaking of minimum requirements. I had a groin injury in 2009 that eventually went away and was replaced with what I was sure was knee cancer, which also went away and now I just have a shoulder injury. I have to come clean, though, the injuries aren't really from getting injured. I think they're from sleeping on my left side or something.

Speaking of sleeping on one’s side. A few years ago when wrinkling was just starting, I noticed a couple of really huge ones forming around my mouth and figured out that they were due to my cheeks being smooshed into my lips at night from all the pillow pressure. But that doesn’t even happen anymore, though. Think deflated balloon.

Speaking of pillows. I used to sleep on two but now it actually feels best when I sleep on none. My second chin misses the two pillows, though. My third chin misses my neck.

Speaking of necks. Neck rings? Seriously? Like a tree? I can only assume that they will start to sag and become neck folds. If I have to lift up neck skin to wash it, it might as well be Thanksgiving and I don’t do Thanksgiving anymore.

Speaking of food. Did you know that the Tomato and Mozzarella sandwich at Panera Bread talks? And it’s pretty ticked off, too. And it has friends. It’s sort of like listening to an opera of tone deaf baritones. There’s no melody, no harmony, just angry, fog horn sorts of bellows to one equally pissed off character or another.

Speaking of fog. I saw myself in the sunlight the other day and I thought I was doing a pretty good job at the facial hair maintenance thing, but apparently not. So, I found the sensitive skin Nair for face and applied as instructed. Apparently, I read something wrong and I have a huge patch of red, burned skin from one jaw line to the other that is now peeling. Just the area that needed more attention.

I can’t even claim middle age, really, unless I live to 92. And if this is 46, by 92, I should be a vegetable. A typical day at 46: I wake up in the morning and take an Advil after being twisted around a dog who insists on the middle all night. I chase the Advil with a green tea and an herbal happy pill with lots of black kohosh and Vitamin B. Then, I drive to work in the far right lane. I remember when I only used the fast lane. Right lane was for losers and old people. I get to work and eat my grapes and almonds. After a few hours, I can no longer see through any of the lense variations in my bifocals and my shoulder and neck hurts, so I get up and walk to the bathroom where I swear I have to pee like a racehorse, but turns out, I don’t. I go to lunch avoiding bread, cheese, meat, salt, sugar, oil…. in theory. In the afternoon, I can see a little better for a few hours and try to remember to take “look away” breaks recommended for people on computers all day. And old people. I start yawning around 2:30. I head home an hour later and walk the dog a little and fix my dinner. Done for the day and it’s just 5pm. I take the rest of my vitamins with my dinner. A few times a week, I usually have to call Austin for some sort of technical help. I’ve recently started watching the Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy – still on the air thanks to the elderly like me. But I don’t understand most of the shows on television. American Idol is still a mystery. I start to not be able to see again by about 8. I’m in bed by 9:30 or 10, but I prefer to call it a day around 9. The insomnia starts as soon as my head hits the pillow. Some nights I alternate between a Tylenol PM and a Benadryl depending on if I remember a sniffle that day. I wake up the next day after a night of deep sleep inertia and repeat the whole process with an Advil for the back pain.

A typical day at 92: Same thing, minus the driving.

Oy, vey.