The Morning After Drunk-Dialing The One at the Library

Being a fan of Susan Kennedy, aka SARK, and her Juicy Pens, Thirsty Paper book full of crazy fun writing and creativity exercises, I, of course, subscribe to her newsletter. Her loving mantra is that we are wondrous gifts to the Universe and that we would be selfish not to share ourselves with others. Her newsletters often include information about folks who complement her message and might be of interest to her readers. A recent one had an invitation to a free tele-class offered by Calling in The One duo, Claire Zammit and Katherine Thomas. I'm going to explain what this is in serious terms first. Or try, anyway.

Claire and Katherine have come up with a program that teaches women how to release all sorts of blocks and defeatist attitudes that prevent them from finding their ONE true love in this great big universe. The program options include a book, a tele-class, online courses, and what they call "transformational coaching".

Now, a little about me. I'm a strong proponent of and believer in the possibilities of romance and attraction and liking someone and even loving someone and, dare I say it, committing in some form to a boy in a neighboring town, perhaps, maybe, well, then, maybe, it would be nice, yes, maybe. But this idea that I have this ONE magical Soulmate whom I need to "call in" like I would call in a dog from the yard or a kid for dinner? And that I'm missing out on this ONE special someone who just happens to be at the grocery store eyeing the same pickled okra, because I'm blocked or wounded? (Show me an adult who's not wounded, and I'll let you pet my unicorn.) What about tired? What about really just wanting to go home, not shaving my legs, and watching Jersey Shore (yes, I said it, I have no pride anymore) with a Dove bar (the chocolate kind, not the soap kind)?

This is when Claire and Katherine would squeak out (yes, they do squeak) a few of their 1,000 examples of success stories and how a simple attitude adjustment could free me from what they just know is my avoidance and manless misery. After all, according to the website, Sasha attracted her Soulmate in 6 weeks by making her "I'm not Safe" belief conscious or some such thing. Laura attracted her Soulmate in just 2 weeks by unblocking her inner source of something. It's like Name that Soulmate Tune.

All this fodder was just too good to pass up for a Post-Single Motherhood meetup topic. There just had to be an appletini-drinking or cheesecake-eating game around this.

Is this going on and on? Too long? And I haven't even gotten to the funny part. Am I protesting too much? Do I sound bitter? I'm really not. Did I mention that I absolutely do believe in The Law ofAttraction and that I really do like boys and do believe in nice romantical things? I do, really I do. Okay, I feel better.

Back to the story. I needed to research a little more if I was going to incorporate this in an upcoming meeting, so I reserved their book at my neighborhood library. When it arrived, I hunted for it in my usual spot on the shelf. But no book. My call in to The One was disconnected by not being able to even call in the Calling in The One book. I really am blocked.

At this point, I should've just gone home. But I had seen a sample online and the first chapter was about being vulnerable to a man if he offers assistance, say in the airport as you're accidentally *wink* *wink* dropping something near his carry-on, and this was information I could use. When would we drink or cheesecake-eat? Maybe every time they use the words "be open" or "heal" or "heart" or "block"? I needed these details!

So, I handed my card to the library lady and asked, "Hi. I reserved a book that's not on the hold shelf. I looked everywhere near my normal spot. Would you mind checking on it?"

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. Maybe it's on our cart. What's the name of the book?"

Oh jeez. If only I'd thought this through. Can't we just not speak while you take a minute to look it up on the computer? She stared at me for an answer. I leaned in to whisper in my most private and appropriate library voice, "Calling in The One".

No sooner were the words out of my mouth than it popped up on her screen. "Oh, yes, I see it here on your account. Calling in The One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life." And she was not whispering. And she glared at me, I swear she did, which sent me into my let-me-explain-before-you-start-forming-opinions-about-me tizzy.

Trying my best to laugh, "Yes. Funny, right? It's research for a group I belong to. We're going to use it to make up games and funny, sort of like opposite stories. Because it just seems so ridiculous, this book..."

"Uh huh."

Of course, the book was not on the cart.

"JOANNE? Have you was the name again, honey? 7 Weeks to Finding the Love of Your Life? JOANNE???"

"WHAT?" Oh, Joanne, no.


"Listen. It's no big deal. Can we just cancel the hold?"

"Oh nooo. It's here somewhere. We'll find it. Just hang on." She was so obviously thinking I was in desperate need. She couldn't send me home alone. It was just too sad. Any minute, she was going to talk to me about rescuing a puppy for the company, I could feel it. 

A line was forming behind me. Two more library ladies appeared from the back to offer assistance, if needed.

"This lady reserved a book that's not on the hold shelf and not on the cart. Have any of you seen it?" She reads the computer again. "It's called "Calling in The One: 7 Weeks to Finding the Love of Your Life"."

"Oh, I could use that book, too!!! Let me write that name down real quick." 

"Me, too! What's the name again?" I want you to know that not a damn one of 'em was using her library voice.

"Ladies, please. While I appreciate the effort very much, this was NOT that big of a deal. I'm not really signing up for the plan. It's fine. In fact, it was going to be used in an opposite sort of irreverant way for a local group. Really. Not a big deal at all. Let's just forget about it, okay? Please, God? I beg you."

There was no calling off these women. The book's name was shouted out a few more times and one other library lady showed up to participate in the hunt. Yes, that made five. And no, the book was never found.

I left a humiliated and misunderstood, yet wiser woman. I learned that the vulnerable, admitting you need help thing still doesn't work that well for me. I learned that I shouldn't be so sarcastic and judgmental about a couple of squeaky ladies trying to help women call in Their Ones.

Most importantly, I learned where the second most convenient library is and moved all my pending book requests to that location. I can't go back. They all think of me now as the woman who won't ever have The One because she doesn't have the book. And I know I was dinner conversation that night. I just know it. I mean, what else do library ladies talk about at dinner other than odd books and obviously pitiful customers?

I did leave with my new Dennis Lehane and Lewis Black books, though. And Jersey Shore Season 1, Disc 1 came in the mail a couple of days later. Wonder what THAT all means. As if I don't know. Maybe someday soon I'll heal from this newest of wounds and go okra shopping. With a smile and an open mind and heart. And my unicorn.