Employee of the Month

The original e-mail is actual correspondence. However, the names have been changed to protect the ignorant. The reply is, of course, completely made up.

-----Original Message-----

From: HR Manager
Sent: Friday, July 16th,  2:49 PM
To: Corporate Employees
Subject: Employee of the Month announcement

We are excited about our new Employee of the Month program. Recognition for our accomplishments is way overdue! The program will officially begin on August 1st. All employees (with the exception of our VPs) are eligible.

At the end of each month, Misty Puckett, our HR clerk, will randomly draw a name from the list of corporate employees. The lucky winner will be our Employee of the Month and have exclusive parking privileges to the best spot on the lot for the following month.

In an effort to “equalize” the chance to win, we will limit the opportunity to win to once per calendar year. Our first drawing will be Friday, July 30th in the cafeteria. See you there!!

------Reply Message-------

From: A thrilled and humbled employee
Sent: Friday, July 16th, 2:49 PM
To: HR Manager
Subject: Re: Employee of the Month announcement

First: Thank You! I’m sure everyone is as excited as I am about the new Employee of the Month reward. I also know we are all equally inspired to put forth our best efforts for the company by the random name selection from a hat process.

However, I’d like to offer the following alternative to alleviate the nervous anxiety and heartbreaking disappointment employees might feel at a public drawing each month. Additionally, it would require even less effort and thought from the HR office.

Why not just assign us each a number and then assign a number to each month for the next 10 years (since there are approximately 100 employees)? Everyone will know the exact month that they need to work extra hard to deserve this honor. And the company would be guaranteed one good month from each of us. For example, if my boss knows that I get the parking space in February 2012, he might want to load me up with work in January so I can be fittingly rewarded for my accomplishments.

And think about turnover! Personally, I know that if I were aware that my month was coming in April 2009, I certainly wouldn’t want to quit until May.

Announcements could be made over the intercom on the first day of each month as follows: “Attention all employees: Number 32 is Employee of the Month this month! Thank you, Number 32 for your hard work and congratulations on your lucky position in the hat.” This would save time away from our desks, and hat and scissor expenses for the company.

I’m sure you already see the positive effects of this plan on productivity, morale, and more importantly, your effort. Of course, your plan’s good too. Just a suggestion.